Dear men with bladders,

      I understand that we are water-based organisms. Actually, I think we're carbon-based…I didn't do well in biology. But I DO know that our bodies are made up predominantly of water. (I'm speaking to the males, here. Women, as I understand, are a good portion sugar and spice and some other nice things).

      I also understand that the rigors of life on this planet force us to constantly replenish our body's water supply. So we are constantly ingesting liquid. Makes sense.

      The final part of the system is that we expel liquid waste in the form of urine.

      Yeah, yeah…it's all a beautiful cycle. But in the final expelling process is where we as a society break down. I when I say "we" I'm actually pointing the finger pretty rigidly at YOU.

      It comes down to this:
After you piss, wash you hands.

      That's it.

      Is it the sign that confuses you? "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK." Do you shake the final drip from your flesh-spout, see the sign, and think, "I guess that doesn't apply to me…I don't work here."

      It happens every time I'm in a public restroom. I'm snuggled into my little porcelain cubicle, dousing the pink piss-cake in the bottom of the urinal, when I see the guy next to me finish. ( Hey I'm not STARING or anything…I just see him zip up out of the corner of my eye.) Then the guy bee-lines straight for the door. Maybe he pauses to check his hair, but he certainly doesn't wash his hands.


      Sometimes I actually spin around to see if he grabs the door handle. (I try to stop the flow of urine before I spin…my stall-mates tend to be angered by soaked trousers). Yuck. Now I have to touch that same foul handle in order to leave the restroom. That's like indirectly touching his dick. Its not a homophobic thing…It's a sanitation thing. Now I feel trapped in the bathroom.

      I usually end up grabbing a wad of paper towels and opening the door with my makeshift paper glove. Meanwhile everyone stares and snickers at my obsessive-compulsive "I am unclean" behavior.

      These aren't medieval times. I think we've moved beyond the "throw the piss-pot out the window and wait for rain" method of sanitation.

      And its time our post-piss cleaning ritual came up to speed.

      Look. Its not that hard. Just wash your hands. Lets work as a team.

      That's it. Pretty simple. If you have any questions, I'll be the one holding a wad of paper towels.

I feel so dirty
illustration by Jen, courtesy CollegeClub.com

Another open letter
RE: Helping Me Have Orgasms

and a rant:
Ice, Ice, Baby

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