too sexy for my shirt
Open Memo to The Women of The World

If you can't see any words below this, click on the beefcake photo.
Bob Dole and the whole Viagra revolution has brought erections to the dinner table. Well, at least the "topic" of erections.

I think its great that sexual dysfunction is in the evening news. I'm a happy camper any time the top story contains the words: "Penis", "erection", and "drugs."

I'm happy because I've got some sexual issues of my own I need to discuss. I think women are unaware of the complexities of male sexual response. Specifically, MY sexual needs. Some of us need more than a warm wet hole to get off. (Although a microwave oven and a trip to the produce aisle is sometimes a beautiful thing). I have trouble reaching orgasm. And looking back on my childhood, its hardly my fault.

It all comes down to Feminism and the movie Fame.

The first nudity I ever saw in a movie was in FAME. Ya know the scene where Irene Cara has to take her top off for the casting call? She just sits there, humiliated and crying? THAT was my first impression of naked women. I had these conflicting feeling of arousal and guilt. She's taking off her top, but every body-movement screams, "Don't make me do this." Well, that scene has scarred my psyche. If a woman isn't blatant about saying "I WANT YOU," then I'm constantly worried that she's silently thinking ,"please don't make me do this." It makes it so that I'm uncomfortable wooing women. I don't want to "coerce" anyone into being with me.

Maybe I should've watched more Porkies movies. And the feminist movement made it worse. I was raised on the wrong side of the swinging Macho pendulum. I somehow picked up that it was macho and insensitive to orgasm during sex without the woman doing so. I became petrified of premature ejaculation. Oh the shame is coming too quickly. Not only were you a lousy lover, but you were an insensitive misogynist! When I was in Jr. High and high school I used to masturbate before I would go to a party. Because I was horny? Partly. But more because I never knew when I might meet a willing woman. The teenage optimist in me saw every social event as a potential sexual act. And I knew I would last much longer the *second* orgasm of the night. At this time In my life, the only sex I was having was the nightly Amazon fantasies in my mind. I didn't have sex for several more years. When I finally did lose my virginity on my prom night, I couldn't climax AT ALL.

So the boy who was paranoid that he would be a hare, turned out to be a tortoise. A tortoise who sometimes doesn't finish the race at all. I mean, I'm not a eunuch, but it can be a challenge. Even by myself. So throw into the mix, a layer of protective latex and the anxiety of pleasing my partner, and we might be here for a while.

I have had sex without orgasming on many occasions. The weird thing is, that would be totally normal for a girl. But for a guy?! I get no sympathy from male friends. It would be like complaining that you had a big dick. Or for a woman to say her butt was too toned. That doesn't go over very well in the locker room. And these poor women I have been with! Their confidence must be devastated. How hard is it to get a guy off? Most women have never heard a guy say, "I don't think its gonna happen tonight." I've had women be really hurt...like It was a sign that I didn't find them pretty. I've even considered faking it...but I never have. And women, you shouldn't either. A lot of my problem is that I'm afraid my partner is pulling an Irene Cara...and that she's doing something she doesn't want to do. I don't want an act or a show. That is what porno is for. The truth is that good sex has far more to do with my partners mind than her body.

If I sense that a woman is insecure or uncomfortable about sexuality, it brings up those childhood insecurities about pleasing a woman. Ack! She doesn't want to be here. I need to know that the woman is open and free and into it. I can't feel responsible for her orgasm...too much pressure. I'll do whatever I can, but I can't take that responsibility...sex isn't something that you do to another person, its something you do together...We gotta be a team!

So women, lets all get out there and work together! I know we can do this!

And, um,... I'm available for scrimmages if anyone needs to practice.

more overtly sexual Tales:

Springtime in my Trousers

Prehensile Tales just wants to snuggle and watch "Fame"

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