Top Things to do this Holiday Season:
1. Tease kids
who have to go to school during their religious holidays.
2. Don gay apparel.
3. Try telling a cop, "actually, the pipe is for my snowman."
4. Ponder eggnog. (they should call it "flegmnogg")
5. Punch anyone who says, "Like a Lightbulb!" while singing
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.
6. Play dreidel
7.Run around and play TRON on a street with lots of X-mas lights.
8.Say, "Mmm, mmm, fruitcake!" whevever you pass gas.
9. Walk around the house wearing nothing but tinsel.
10. Adopt all the sick dogs from the Humane Society and give
them as gifts.
11. Sculpt Nativity Scenes out of lunchmeats.
12. Make a gingerbreak crackhouse.
13. Think up holiday-themed names for your genitalia like: Yule
Log, Santa's Little Helper, Pubic Wreath,
or stocking stuffer.
Unload all the Frankenscence and Myrrh you've been hoarding.
Rudolph's Revenge: Join the Red Nosed One in a game of Scrabble.
Exclude Donner and Blitzen. See how those cloven-hooved bastards
Remind everyone that Christmas is really about the birth of
Christ... and then knock them in the head with the business
end of a leaf blower.
Jam your local arcade game's tokens slot with that chocolate
Chanukah gelt that's wrapped in foil like little gold coins.
Then complain to the manager that the games are anti-Semitic.
Start a new Chanukah version of hanging mistletoe. Hang a menorah
above a doorway. Then if you meet someone beneath the menorah,
instead of a mistletoe kiss, you perform a jewish bris.
Christian's Guide to the Holidays:
(formerly called "Christmas")
A holiday to commemorate Rudolph's miraculous glowing
nose and how it kept St. Nicholas from hitting any trees
in the fog. We celebrate by hanging glowing lights from
This is the day Jesus rose from the grave. If he sees
his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter. We celebrate
by hiding eggs in the front lawn.
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