As excited as a Who in Whoville!A prehensile Guide to the Xmas Holidays

Top Things to do this Holiday Season:

1. Tease kids who have to go to school during their religious holidays.

2. Don gay apparel.

3. Try telling a cop, "actually, the pipe is for my snowman."

4. Ponder eggnog. (they should call it "flegmnogg")

5. Punch anyone who says, "Like a Lightbulb!" while singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.

6. Play dreidel drinking games.

7.Run around and play TRON on a street with lots of X-mas lights.

8.Say, "Mmm, mmm, fruitcake!" whevever you pass gas.

9. Walk around the house wearing nothing but tinsel.

10. Adopt all the sick dogs from the Humane Society and give them as gifts.

11. Sculpt Nativity Scenes out of lunchmeats.

12. Make a gingerbreak crackhouse.

13. Think up holiday-themed names for your genitalia like: Yule Log, Santa's Little Helper, Pubic Wreath, or stocking stuffer.

other suggestions:

Unload all the Frankenscence and Myrrh you've been hoarding.
-Sara Tonin

Rudolph's Revenge: Join the Red Nosed One in a game of Scrabble. Exclude Donner and Blitzen. See how those cloven-hooved bastards like it.
-Christopher Naze

Remind everyone that Christmas is really about the birth of Christ... and then knock them in the head with the business end of a leaf blower.
-Mark Longmire

Jam your local arcade game's tokens slot with that chocolate Chanukah gelt that's wrapped in foil like little gold coins. Then complain to the manager that the games are anti-Semitic.

Start a new Chanukah version of hanging mistletoe. Hang a menorah above a doorway. Then if you meet someone beneath the menorah, instead of a mistletoe kiss, you perform a jewish bris.


A Modern Christian's Guide to the Holidays:
"X-mas" (formerly called "Christmas")
A holiday to commemorate Rudolph's miraculous glowing nose and how it kept St. Nicholas from hitting any trees in the fog. We celebrate by hanging glowing lights from a tree.

This is the day Jesus rose from the grave. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter. We celebrate by hiding eggs in the front lawn.


PT Gift Ideas:

More Xmas Tales
5 things you didn't know about "Saint" Nick
The solution to the Christmas Light Mystery

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