Sometimes I marvel at the simplicity of our bodies' energy system. Food goes in the hole at the top. We burn it as fuel and then spit waste out the hole on the bottom. Okay "spit" was the wrong word choice, but you get my meaning.

We're no different than cars. Get fuel. Burn fuel. Then spew waste out our exhaust pipe.

Luckily cars have better emissions controls than our intestines. Otherwise, instead of exhaust, cars would leave doodie all over the place like horses do. Suddenly smog doesn't seem like such a bad tradeoff, eh?

I feel pretty vulnerable on the shitter. During the majority of my day, I keep a pretty tight reign on my sphincter muscles. If I'm gonna relax 'em for required body functions, I want to be at home in a locked bathroom. A public stall just doesn't provide the safety barrier I need between the world and my sphincter. I hate that you can see people exiting and entering the bathroom through the cracks in the door and through the space below the stall door.

Why do they do that? Why do they make bathroom stalls so your feet show? For ventilation, maybe? Why are they so afraid to give people privacy in public restrooms?

Is it so people can look under the stall and see if you're using it? I hate that. It almost makes me want to take my shoes off when I'm sitting so my co-workers won't be able to identify me by my footwear. Public bathroom designers should take a lesson from the airplane folks and make a door that says, "occupied" when you lock it. (I think that inventor deserves a Nobel Prize).

I just don't like people hearing my business. The sounds I make when I poop are for my ears only...my own private symphony. (It's kinda like Bobby McFerrin's music, but more gassy).

Such a simple act with such a complicated social dynamic.

Okay, that's all I have to say about poop. I'm glad I got that all out.

*flush*