signs, signs, everywhere's signs...
Lately I've noticed an increase in human billboards. You have these, right? Where companies pay people to hold a "39 cent Taco!!!" sign and stand on the corner of a busy street. The guy who holds the sparkly "Diamond Gallery" sign even dances to draw attention to himself and the cellular phone mascot actually wears a big foam rubber costume.

What kind of jobs are these!? Would you consider it related to exotic dancing? They both get paid to be looked at. Maybe I should start slipping dollar bills into the cellular phone guy's costume.

It makes me wonder what the interview process is like...

"So why would you make a good sign holder?"

"Well I've always been fascinated by billboards. And my life goal has always been to direct people to eat more Mexican food."

"Now the sign you'll be holding always points to the right. Which means you'll always have to face South. Would that be a problem for you?"

"No, sir! South is one of my favorite directions."

"Congratulations! You're hired. Since you have no skills that could help this company…so we're gonna strap you into advertisements that will do the work for you. You'll basically have the rols of real estate. Just stand someplace where lots of people will see you. And whenever possible, jump up and down to get people's attention. Then let the sign do most the work."

Ewwww. That makes me feel sick. But then I remembered the interview I did 2 years ago with Cellular Phone Man. Sure times have changed. But there's still much to be learned from a guy in a foam rubber phone costume.

Exclusive Interview with Cellular Phone Man
(Mike Ford)

What is your favorite button on the phone?
"The 4"

What sort of crimes does The Commissioner generally call you for?
"I mainly have to deal with people throwing stuff at me...ice, spare change, cigarettes...yesterday a guy threw a tennis ball..."

Do you have special powers that let you do stuff with the number or star buttons that we normal people can't?
"No, no special powers."

Do the guys in Shamu costumes ever come by and give you a hard time?
"No, but I ran into the San Diego Chicken last week and he ignored me. I thought maybe we could do some 5 round boxing for charity...The Chicken versus the Phone..."

Have you ever tried to get into Disneyland for Free? Like, tell the people at the gate that you had a bit part in Beauty and The Beast?
"I think about it all the time...People always tell me if I play my cards right, I could work my way up to be Micky Mouse"

more advertising wackiness

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