Dear Santa,

Obviously, you are a man who is at peace with his feminine side. I mean, look at the way you dress: Bells, red suit, fur.
Kudos to you for really embracing that whole “gay apparel” concept!!

But…
You need to give that same gay attention to your grooming, boy!
The polar bear look went out with bath houses.
Its time to freshen up your look and tame that beard.
Your look says ZZ top, and we want it to be Chi-Chi HOT!

We love you no matter what.
We just think Mrs. Claus would appreciate it and you may even feel better about yourself, too.
Think about it.

The Fab Two,
Jimmy and Johnny