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I'm not a big fan of potty humor. That said, I want to talk about pooping for a minute.

I can't pretend it doesn't happen. We all go to the bathroom. And as much as I wish my shit didn't stink, that is simply not the case. (Although, I am much more appreciative of the smell of *my* shit than to, say…yours. I wonder why that is? Odd.)

Sometimes I marvel at the simplicity of our bodies' energy system. Food goes in the hole at the top. We burn it as fuel and then spit waste out the hole on the bottom. Okay "spit" was the wrong word choice, but you get my meaning.

We're no different than cars. Get fuel. Burn fuel. Then spew waste out our exhaust pipe.

Luckily cars have better emissions controls than our intestines. Otherwise, instead of exhaust, cars would leave doodie all over the place like horses do. Suddenly smog doesn't seem like such a bad tradeoff, eh?

Normally, Bowel movements are a private thing. (Side note: "bowel movement" seems like an overly grand name for a fairly mundane bodily function. When I think of "movements" I think of Beethoven or Malcolm X. Then again, who am I do discount the significance of my excrement. ) But at work, a private bathroom isn't an option. So I'm forced to use the communal lavatory.

I feel pretty vulnerable on the shitter. During the majority of my day, I keep a pretty tight reign on my sphincter muscles. If I'm gonna relax 'em for required body functions, I want to be at home in a locked bathroom. A public stall just doesn't provide the safety barrier I need between the world and my sphincter. I hate that you can see people exiting and entering the bathroom through the cracks in the door and through the space below the stall door.

Why do they do that? Why do they make bathroom stalls so your feet show? For ventilation, maybe? Why are they so afraid to give people privacy in public restrooms?

Is it so people can look under the stall and see if you're using it? I hate that. It almost makes me want to take my shoes off when I'm sitting so my co-workers won't be able to identify me by my footwear. Public bathroom designers should take a lesson from the airplane folks and make a door that says, "occupied" when you lock it. (I think that inventor deserves a Nobel Prize).

What it comes down to is: I have trouble when other people are in the bathroom. When I hear someone tinkling, I kinda put *my* business on hold. So I go through this whole stop and go bathroom ritual depending in the restroom traffic. It's a lot like freeway driving…without the road rage.

I just don't like people hearing my business. The sounds I make when I poop are for my ears only. My own private symphony. (It's kinda like Bobby McFerrin's music, but more gassy).

Such a simple act with such a complicated social dynamic.

Okay, that's all I have to say about poop. I'm glad I got that all out.


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