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 1) Coat my hair with peanut butter, sprinkle with birdseed, and sit next to old ladies on park benches. 2) Heave big rocks (20-30lbs) at the carcasses of 4 newly dead cats. 3) Glue crickets (10-15) to my face and apply for a bank loan. 4) Fornicate with a Craft-o-matic heated, vibrating, adjustable bed. 5) Fill a pair of rubber fishing waders with water and 100 feeder goldfish. Then wear them, naked, while reciting the Book of Job. 6) Dip my genitalia in hot wax, repeatedly, until a candle is created. 7) Cover my body with “Chia-Pet” seeds, then water faithfully and delicately. 8) Coat half my body in Oralgel numbing cream, the other half with Ben-Gay. Then stand in front of an industrial fan and masturbate. 9) Cover the floor of a room with farm-fresh brown eggs. Put a 12-foot ladder in the center of the room. Climb the ladder and hyperventilate until I make myself pass out. 10) Dip one leg in blue food coloring, the other in red. Then let the dye absorb up through my body (like the celery stick experiment). |
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