This week's Tale is something I wrote for Teenwire.com and is reprinted with permission. Teenwire is a website put out by the wonderful folks at Planned Parenthood (an institution who has confirmed my HIV negative status several times). The site is full of great sex info for teens: advice, resources, and some fun little articles like this one...


Misleading Proportions:
The Perils of Penis Measuring

Knowing where to measure from is the key to good penis measuring. I was either a god or a gelding, and it all depended on the measuring technique I used. Of course, admitting to measuring your own penis isn't exactly the fastest way to make friends in junior high. We all know that real men aren't concerned about penis size, right? Heck no. We don't masturbate either.

Heh. There is a word for people who never stressed about the size of their penis: "female."

In an informal poll of my friends, all of them measured their penises during their formative years. Then again, each of them also said they were in excess of 10 throbbing inches. So maybe they're not the most reliable group. And I guess it goes to show that penis-insecurity never fully goes away.

But it's never as bad as it was in junior high.

When I measured, I was either just below average or a porn-star candidate, depending on if I measured from top or bottom. And even though all my peers had laid rod to ruler, no one ever discussed proper measuring technique. So how is a developing young man to ease his penis-size fears?

Why, by stealing glances in the men's room, of course! Now this is a very risky endeavor. Getting caught looking at your classmates' genitalia tends to stir up the homophobia a bit. And being labeled homosexual can be even more harsh a junior high fate than being labeled a dick-measurer.

I perfected a crack-my-neck stretch that gave me a split second peek at other man-units. I'd settle into my urinal, utter a manly sigh, crack my neck, and glance over the partition. Results: Inconclusive.

The main problem is that the perspective you get of another guy's manhood that way is totally different than the view you get of your own. Its side view vs. top view. You practically need architectural drawings to figure out what they would look like side by side. I tried to stand sideways next to a mirror to see my own penile unit from the same angle I was collecting data from. There are just too many variables: Pubic hair can obscure, Excessive girth can give misleading proportions, and what if the member in question has a curve to it?! Do you use pi or the Pythagorean Theorem?

Besides, the big guys stand far enough away as to show it off, while the small guys huddle into the porcelain. So much for the scientific method.

So then, how does one get over penis-size insecurity? Truth? No study of penis size will ever solve the dilemma. Eventually, though, you find a partner. That person cares about you. They like the freckles on your nose and the mole next to your navel. And they like your penis, too. Maybe they'll even measure it as part of some foreplay game. Only then, you'll realize that the cliché is true: Size doesn't matter.

Of course, I wonder if I'd be saying that if they'd let me measure from the bottom.

other Penis Tales:
"Springtime in my Trousers"

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