Remember Otter Pops?

      They were little plastic tubes filled with frozen, hyper-sweetened syrup. As you ate the stick-less popsicle, the melted liquid would accumulate at the bottom of the plastic wrapper. Then when you were done with the ice, you could squeeze all the melted juice into your mouth. The pop itself was pretty damn sweet…so when you gulped down a mouthful of syrup, it was almost impossible to keep from coughing. What about an Otter Pop makes it so cough inducing? What ingredient in the syrup grabs hold of your larynx so forcefully? If they can take the caffeine out of coffee why can't they take the nerve gas out of Otter Pops??!!

      They tasted about as good as sugar water can taste, but what made Otter Pops stick out from other frozen treats were the characters assigned to each flavor. It made it so that each treat was more than just a dessert, it was a little frozen persona:

• Sir Issac Lime
• Alexander The Grape
• Little Orphan Orange
• Poncho Punch
• Strawberry Shortkook
• Louie Bloo

      The Otter Pop society was a complex one.

      How come everyone got an identity but Louie? All the Otter's names seem to be cute little characters except for "Louie Bloo." What kind of a an identity is "Bloo"? Is it some sort of derogatory racial epitaph… like "whitey" or "blackie"? Maybe it's a hidden oral sex reference and "bloo" is the Otter version of calling someone a "fag"??!! (That would make sense…'cause Louie is definitely on the lighter side of Macho spectrum).

      But even Louie is higher in the Otter hierarchy than Poncho Punch. Poor Poncho…immigrant laborer of the Otter world.

      And the otter elite (Sir Issac and Alexander the Grape) give me the creeps. Power mad and syrupy sweet, they're known far and wide for abusing their power to maintain their harem of little girls.

      My heart goes out to the two girls: Sweet, innocent, naïve orphan Orange, and the emotionally unstable Shortkook . Both prey to Alexander and Sir Issac's advances. (as of yet, there is no Child Otter Protection Agency to shelter the girls from the pedophile elite.)

      Perhaps someday the minority groups (Poncho and Louie) will rise up against the otter injustice.

      But before you start condemning the injustice of the otter society, you should know that originally, it was much worse. Oh, yes.

      At the top of the page are some of the original Otter Pop flavors that didn't make the cut.