Tattle Tales are funny/wacky/silly Tales by guest writers. This week's Tale is by Lance Arthur, the diabolical mind behind Glassdog World Domination. The following is actually taken directly from his brilliant weblog, "LanceLog2000"

" Why, Yes! I would like to hear about Long Distance!"

by Lance Arthur

Here are some responses you can use when you're called by AT&T, MCI or Sprint to get you to switch long distance carriers. Because every single last one of them should be shot in the head and dragged through broken glass for bothering you when you're trying not to talk on the phone about your long distance service provider!

  • No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Get the message? [hang up]
  • Love to chat, must dash, my hair is on fire. [hang up]
  • Yes, I did just switch long distance service providers. You know why? Because everytime I asked anyone from your company to suck my dick, all they did was hang up on me. So I just wanted this opportunity; Suck my dick! [hang up]
  • (Begin singing when you hear the dead air signifying you've just been cold-called by a machine, letting you know exactly how important you are to them. Do not stop when they begin speaking. Pretend the phone is a mic and you're on stage.) Wake me up! Before you Go-Go! Cuz I'm not plannin' on goin' solo! Wake me up! Before you Go-Go! Take me dancing tonight!
  • No, no, don't stop talking, I'm almost there. Yeah, yeah that's good. Tell me more about how much I'll save. Yeah, oh yeah. There you go. Right there. Oh, man, you're good. Um, that's sweet. Oh, yeah. Uh! Uh! Ohhhhh... ahhhhhhhh!
  • Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello! Hello? No, I keep talking but no one's answering. Hello! Hello, are you there! Hello! No, I can't hear anyone. Hello! Hello?
  • Yes, I switched long distance carriers. I get free long distnace on nights and weekends. I also get free long distance during the day. In fact, I get free long distance all the time! Why? Because I'm the magical phone pixie and I have wires coming out of my ass. That's right, my ass. Ass! Out of my ass!
  • Hi! I'm so glad you called! I was talking to you about my kitty! Remember? My kitty? My kitty which is so soft and warm and when I feed my kitty he is so, so happy and he doesn't ever claw my settee or my chaise or my end tables or my bed or my wingback armchair which I got when my grandmother died and do you have a grandmother? Mine was named Gaga Bobo, but that wan't her real name, and she had a kitty, too! And her kitty was called...

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