I feel strongly about grape soda.

The Grape Soda of Wrath (24K)


Its pretty much all I drink. I love the stuff. I love the sweetness. I love the expression on the checkout girl's face when a half-dozen 2 liter bottles of grape soda roll around the conveyor belt. Sometimes I throw in a home enema kit just to really give her bad dreams.

When I get to a grocery store, I bee-line to the soda section in the back. It's usually cordoned off from the more wholesome food groups in that lone row behind the refrigerated meats. Rows of unnaturally colored 2 liter bottles in their separate section...like the adult video section at the neighborhood rental store.

I load up my gimp-wheeled cart with generic brand grape-soda.

"Generic?" you say, "why, I had no idea Halcyon was such a cheapskate!"

Oh, you poor clueless soul. Generic Grape soda is refreshment in its purest form.

The pompous name-brand grapes – the Welch’s or Crush’s-simply don’t match up. The powerful beverage companies spend too much money on Research and Development. Too many white-coated lab technicians trying to make grape soda taste like actual grapes. Some of them add real fruit juice in their quest to simulate the taste of the elusive vine fruit..

And there's the rub:

Grape soda isn't supposed to taste like grapes.

It's supposed to taste like Purple

It’s vain to try to imitate nature.

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