| page of the week! | ||
Hey, I was looking up some synonyms for "gentle" in my thesaurus, and whose name do I find there? That's right... I guess the next time I'm having sex, I can
just say... "Oh, but please... be Halcyon." Hmmmm, I like the sound of that....
Soylent Green is Halcyon!!! Soylent Green is Halcyon!!!!
Ever have a lover mimic your favorite porn as the tape was playing, the feedback of sound vision and feel carrying you to climax with the scene? It is
equisite. Try it
ijustjerkedoffandnowmyspacekeydoesn'twork,you'llbehearingfrommylawyer.
Hey you!! When I asked you to come over and help me last night... you forgot to do something... ME!!
CAUTION:when igniting your own bodily gasses, DO NOT wear nylon pants. When melted nylon comes into contact with scrotile flesh, the result is similar to
that one gets from a plasma welder. My only lerned wizdum. (sigh)
Halcyon, it's your prostate.... I have to be honest with you... If you don't stop playing with yourself all the time, I'm gonna have to swell up to the size of a
watermelon and cause you great pain. It sucks, but hey, them's the rules. Sorry, pal.
If I had your looks the chicks would...Ah who am I kidding. I'd masturbate in front of a mirror screaming my own name all day, every day......
I'm taking my first college-level psychology class... and suddenly your site makes so much more sense...
What's the first image that comes to your head when I say the words "women's bathhouse"?
Bare buttocks on web pages / burning man stories / These are the Halcyon days (another Haiku for you)
I practiced.. I can blow out birthday candles with my Vagina.. Will you sing it too me now ?
If you chew tape long enoug it starts tasting like cum, try it you will like it
Ever see that scene in Dune where the Baron pulls out that servant's heartplug thing, and the blood starts GUSHING out his chest and soon he's DROWNING
in a POOL of his OWN BLOOD, FALLING TO THE FLOOR & GURGLING NOISES AS HE DIES? Sorry. the nipple ring...
"Bother," said the penguin, when he realized there was talc in the smack.
Hey, celibacy has its rewards. Like the satisfying sensation of true bitterness... Not to mention all the extra computer time.
2 Weeks without a new tale of the week! Did Burning Man suck out your brain. What's that? It did suck your... Ohh. Never mind then.
Advice from an old drag queen for BM: 1 Makeup is NOT Suncscreen. 2 Feather Boas stain 3 Yes, Mr Happy does sunburn, so cover him with something.
Have a good time honey. Don't stub your....er, uh...toe.
Made radioactive by a leaky pager battery, Halcyon's sperm bit his balls & he became JISM-MAN! He can produce pearl necklaces, bewitch the pink petals
and purple penises of hetero girls & gay/bi boys alike, & wiggle his tail in fuzzy chaps @ Burning Man!
Is it possible to create a skinerian sexual response connection between mouse clicks and sexual stimulation? I figured you'd know...
uhm. hi. i once made "page of the week" and since then i have dryed up, lost my job, killed my cat, cut my nose hairs, and can no longer orgasm to "Win Ben
Stien's Money".... i really think you suck, okay?
i see those collegeclub.com posters all over campus, and damned if i can't keep myself from running over and licking your ear.
sea monkies are the future .. i jsut can't get enough of these little aquatic thingies. remember that, you heard it here first
how many licks does it take to get to the center of a halcy-pop?
Guide to making your page the Page of the Week: (1) flatter Halcyon (especially about the size of his dick); (2) insult Halcyon (especially about the size of his
dick); (3) sound like you're a psycho or on drugs; (4) pretend that you're someone important.
i love how easily country crock spreads.
sexy web boy toy - you make me feel all fuzzy - panties dampened now - a haiku for you
Talk about shameless self promotion. Your Narcissism could put Liberace to shame.
Please return my electric Yanni boat. It's been three years. I'm getting worried.
Halcyon, you put the "wank" in swank.
This message is for the pager ... LIBERATE YOURSELF ... honey, he's just using you as a tool of his masturbatory
fantasies ... chew his neck while he's asleep ...
man, I can't get my hand up my ass past that lump in my wrist. How do you do it?
Penises are so over-rated. Oh, wait. No they're not.
The birds are talking to me again.. They say to steal your car and drive it to Idaho.. There I am to buy french
fries...
you look like the kinda guy that would hang out with Cher
....really, just cut the shit and put front-page links to the naked pictures.
My tongue is tingling from the certs I just ate... uh oh, that was 2000 flushes!
a belated birthday gift: rohypnol and viagra- halcyon heaven!
If 80% of my body is made up of water, then only 20% of me will have to swim.
I am your happy chunky monkey lamb chocolate waffle. You will fall to your knees and worship me as the goddess I
am. Potato orange mu.I am the love spork of happiness. Po.
Let me get this right... You keep your pager in your pants and when it vibrates, you put your hands all over it??
I've never wanted to be a pager more in my life!!
I want to give you a rub down with butter using everything but my hands and then rolling you in cinnamon and
sugar...will you be my tasty pastry?
she ain't all that much, but she wiggles.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
AOL really sucks.. so does my Hoover when I'm alone and the Vaseline is crying out, "Use me, Papa!"
I sick of these freakin moths coming into my room through the hole in the screen. If they are so attracted to
the light why don't they fly in the daytime?
This pager has been claimed in the name of Spain
The differeence between your vibe web page and a lap dancer is that a lap dancer does not suck.
you may not be fat, dress better, and have a cooler website but i could kick your ass at Quake 3 so there,
biiiach
Wow. I don't suppose "self-absorbed" would be in your vocabulary, now, would it?
Yeah... updated your weekly tales... it's about time, Mr.
I'mTooGoodToServeThePublicAnymoreButIHaveTimeToJerkItAllTheTime
I adm fadscinadted byt thje buc kles on the arm,s of my jackets. Typoing wqith my nosde is 5tough.
You smell wet. Let's Party
Darth Winky is the decidedly not gay but extremely badass Teletubbie with a weapon.
there's a dancing chicken at a rest stop in idaho. you insert a quarter and the little fucker gets 1000 volts
straight up the ass. He "dances" as he gets fried but he can't scream because the mouth is clamped .4 of my sex fantasies
fulfilled right there.
You know, there's only three of us paging you. Could you please print this? We need a break. We'd like to get some
sleep. I mean, love you and all, but tickling your hip doesn't pay my rent. Well, it could I suppose, but, .....
If i have sex with my dog, does she have to be 17 in dog years or human years?
Funny ... you want something so bad for so long ... and then when you get it, it's bittersweet, smokey taste makes
you want to spit it out ...
Did you know that in primate research centers they train the monkeys too orally masturbate by giving them an orange
whenever they do it on their own. Pretty soon you hold up an orange an they just go at it! (This is to collect semen
samples)
THIS IS THE FUTURE SPEAKING.... AVOID CRABSTICKS TODAY
If i ever had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, I would lay off the LSD ...
"Hello? AAA? I'm on Mullholland and Kinsey and I've got a flat. Huh? Halycon who? I've reached what? Well, can he
change a tire for christ sakes? Umm? Hello? "
i locked myself and 13 squirrels in a cage with 2 spoons and a cup. did i do something bad?
Halcyon, this is John Paul ... I'm putting together a papal council on moral standards... could we use you as a
counterexample? You know where to find me ...
My cat seems to like your site... every time I visit, she sticks her ass in the air...
you think you're funny, about as funny as watching your mom fucking a clown
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
It's me, Satan STOP Seem to have lost your soul STOP Think I left it at the bar STOP All bets are off STOP
Elephantitus will return to your genitals shortly STOP Sorry STOP
If I ever get whisked away by a tornado to a land filled with midgets, the FIRST thing I'll think to myself is 'Click
your fucking heels together, bitch.'
ok. you, me, and conan o'brien gettin' it on center stage. andy richter and kaya bondage-style in a cage to the right. interested?
All employees must wash hands before returning to work but we reserve the right to assume that you did not and to
refuse you service you filthy disgusting animal
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm bored and horny, so i'm paging you!
Thank you for finding my G-spot. I forgot where I put it last...
Celebrate a kindred spirit. Shel has reached the Sidewalk's end. Go barefoot today.
Rocking Chaka Khan is still basically all I wanna do...
Hey - when are you going to start giving sex advice? I'd really like to know why I can only ever get invited to
threesomes - and never "normal" sex? I feel like a relief pitcher - I want to be a starter!
More useful Latin:Dunuone Latine loquebar? (Was I speaking Latin again?) Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur (silly
me, sometimes it just sort of slips out).
My dog did not enjoy the enema kit as much as I did.
I think I masturbate too much... I just jerked it, and an IOU for 1 oz. of semen came out ...
I don't even like your page anymore, my only remaining sole goal is to be a page of the week.
With all these vibrating pages, you keep the damn thing on your HIP? Great Yeti, but you must be straight....
did you say "under-where"? cause that would be funny.
being in love is like being in lust, but it bears much more resemblance to napalm....
WOW ALL THE LIGHTS AND THE SINGING ITS JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS BUT WITHOUT ALL THE PAINFUL RAPE.
Your therapist has done all s/he can, and should be fired. Spend the money on toys
What was the deal with Eight is Enough? Was it really just one giant orgy complete with Delmonte Butterscotch Pudding and Levi
Bend Over Slacks? Dippin' into their own DNA for Neilsen ratings? Or sick cult fixated on Turtle Wax?
Did you ever notice that the veggies stare at you? Seriously... You walk by them in the super market, and they know
you will take them home and EAT THEM ALIVE! Watch out, that carrot is looking at you funny...
And, of course, curses sound more impressive in Latin:Utinam modo subiunctivo semper male utaris! (May you always
misuse the subjunctive!)
ask me if i'm a tree.
Can you suggest a good rifle? The pellet gun works fine on birds and squirrels, but I need something with a little
more "oomph" to deal with those damn neighbor kids.
I would like to grab your scrotum, tape it to the back of your ass, and shave off your pubes! Then i would put you in a garter belt, a
touch of lipstick and get your to serve drinks to all my friends at one of my cocaine and sodomy parties.The time is soon
Hello!?!? Dharma!?!? Greg is gay! Look at his mother...overpowering, the simpering father. I mean please. It's not
that complicated.
Halcyon, this is the VD Fairy speaking. If you don't update your pages of the week, I'm going to leave you something
very itchy under your pillow.
You know, sperm isn't always the answer.
I just wanted you to know.... I've renamed my WaterPik Shower Head....... it is now known as " The Halcyon
2000"
i got pissass drunk on bourbon street in new orleans on spring break, and all i got was this lousy tattoo
My genitals tell me they like you.
if girls are made of sugar'n spice, why do they smell like tuna?
I want a relationship where it feels like I am alone and yet someone is there sharing that feeling with me.
I'm freshly shaved - want to fondle my peach?
Carpe' Brie'm...Seize the Cheese!!!
Why does Piglet smell bad? He's always playing with Pooh
Oh My GOD!!!!It Is So Huge! In All My Life I Ain't Never Seen One That Size. I Honestly Did Not Know An Ego Could Get
That Freeking BIG!!!!
I want you to put your Tinky Winky in my Laa-Laa.
Wanna sit on the washer with me when it hits the spin cycle?
Send me a sign you are not making this up
I We Todd Did! I Sofa King We Todd Did!!!
I never believed it was butter.
Never underestimate a prehensile lad, for *all* is within his reach.
Wanna play train? I'll sit on your face and you go chew,chew,chew
Loneliness is seeing two people kiss on the street and not being able to remember what it would feel like
I accidentally took ex-lax this morning in additon to my usual dose of Prozac. I can't get off the john but I feel
good about it.
thump, thump, thump - this is your hangover speaking - make no sudden moves, and report to the nearest bathroom...
News flash: a hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
I'll be your olive and you can be my pimento
My vagina has a first name, it's F-U-N-N-Y.. my vagina has a second name, it's
O-D-O-R.. Cause Funny Odor has a way with my-v-a-g-i-n-a!
Can I auction your dick off at Ebay.com? I think I could get lots of money for that antique!
Was the chipped tooth(teeth?) a result of last year's goal, autofellatio??
One comment, girls that handstand are more than
heroes!
Guess what this is?!? It's an eskimo PEEING!!! oh...wait.. This one sorta loses
something over a pager...
Hey baby, for Christmas I want to visit your North Pole.
Halcyon, this is Mrs. Claus. My husband is going out tonight..wanna come over and leave some presents in my stockings?
Halcyon, Sting, whatever you want to dub yourself: It's like this--The guys who tried to call themselves stuff like Bubba or Tiny or Halcyon always are the one's who...uh, were NFL defensive ends with small dicks on the Internet. Hmm, not as I planned
Oh, come on, I mean just whip it out, slap that mean mother on the scanner, and be done with it! We all know you are just ITCHING to let your flesh-flagpole be seen by all! I swear, this site has to be the biggest cock-tease I've ever known! Whip it out!
Happy birthday - Phalocentrism has phinaly phound its phorum
diapers, no school, but erections all the time -- two-year-olds have the life, man.
Happy Birthday, you big, throbbing, juicy, joy boy....Halcyon, stop listening! This message is for your pager...that juicy, throbbing, joyboy.
"Is clitoris pronounced clit-o-ris or clit-taurus?"
"Tip o' the day: Don't take Viagra before a presentation...you might not need that laser to be a pointer...."
"What if the hokey pokie really IS what it's all about?"
"tuck me under your scrotum again... like we did last summer..."
"Maple syrup tastes mighty fine on pancake nipples."
"I wanna be a steamtrain-fishbone-monkey-snake!!!!"
"My cat finds your web site to be boring. But what does he know? He is just a cat."
"When is Vibe me, baby 5 coming out?."
"Hi, God here. Been reading your site. Pretty funny. Keep up the good work and I'll promote you over the head of that
asshole Gabriel."
"My girlfriend's pussy has a dark alley and I hope I never run into ANYBODY in there."
"Sometimes having a giant cock can be a pain in the ass."
"'His is the halcyon table That never seats but one, And whatsoever is consumed The same amounts remain.' (see, even Emily
Dickinson is thinkin' of you) :)"
"(Haiku written at work):Computer, my friend You make me look so busy When I'm watching porn"
"Sometimes I just have to laugh when I think of all those times we used to go out together, late at night, and kill Shriners."
"Didn't you know Kitt was a gay car? Find a .wav of his voice - the show's dialectic gets strangely entertaining. Michael continually entering and exiting Kitt..."
"How does one know if one's areolas are too big? And nipples too. Not that I'm paranoid or anything-
you know... just kind of wondering. Definitely not worried about it. But- how do you know? Really."
"Never, until today, have I really considered what it would be like to be the son of King Vitamin, cheesy crowned ruler of Cerealland. Could I force Tony the Tiger and Diggum to mate, thus creating "Crisp Sugar Frosted Smacks?" Crunchberries in the pants??"
"if you got really fat and gross you could resemble ron jeremy"
"The other day I wore my speedo to the grocery store and got arrested for allegedly stealing plums!"
"yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I'm walking funny. But I leave for a nudist colony tomorrow and I'm wearing curlers."
"you should be using your pee for good, not for evil"
"Remember, a chicken coop can only have 2 doors; If it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan."
"I had no idea that vaginal fluids smelled so strongly until about 30 minutes ago."
"we are locked in, loaded, aerodynamic, ready to roll.everybody heave to. trice up. the smoking lamp is
lighted throughout the ship. condition dog zebra has been set. there are drivers in the water. do not
take such in to or from sea.
do not rotate any rudder or screw. do not energize any active sonar.there are divers in the water.mill
about smartly. but stand clear while we rotate and radiate. 'cause there's some friggin in the riggin.
and we are haze, gray, and underway, brotha"
"No it was not good for me. I was screaming because you were on my hair."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sooooo good."
"I watched the movie Grease this afternoon. Nice message: Don't be who you want to
be...Be who your boyfriend wants you to be."
"Just looked at your photographs...Your mother weaned you off the breast early, didn't
she?"
"Halcyon, I feel betrayed. I loved that man for 30 years and he goes off with some
20-something bimbo. Well, two can play that game: I want you to be my 20-something bimbo. Call
me. Hilary. That's Hilary R."
"Could I interest you in a slightly used penis enlarger? Unless you think it's use
would be detrimental to your site's content..."
"There is absolutely no cannibalism in the British Navy. None what so ever. And by
none what so ever I mean there is a certain amout."
"is that sposed to turn me on? do you really think that would work? cheese is not
attractive."
"i swear i am going to smack the next person who asks if I have a mango!!"
"Does my page have to be sex-related to get on the site?"
"Hey, can we please have some more cheap laughs at the expense of your small dick?"
"Damn it! Can't you shut the damn pager off and just rub me with your hand like you
use to?"
"Do NOT delete this page! You could be making thousands of dollars just like me in
the business of pager marketing! Expand your advertising potential with.... blah blah blah."
"Last time I checked, it took seventeen pancakes to shingle a doghouse"
"Sometimes I wonder if you cum everytime you get vibed. And if so, your house must be a smelly ocean."
"My wife and her boyfriend are making out on the floor behind me. And you thought
your life was weird."
"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE SMELL OFF MY FINGER?!?!?!"
"I love my clitoris."
"This is your Dick paging. I am leaving you. Was invited to stay with a real nice lady in Iowa who
says I can stay as long as I put forth a good effort. It's soft, warm, pretty small and sitting on a flood
plane. Adios Amigos"
"Do you sleep on your stomach?? Can I??"
"um...did you lose your ring? I think I found it...either that or I am laying hollow golden eggs."
"I know it's wrong to accept stolen things, but I want so badly to believe the
monkey's MADE the TV's."
"Say, how do we know this is paging you, Halcyon, and not, say, Bill Clinton. (If
that's you, Mr President, I apologize.)""poonta is for me and not you thumb bumb boy""put a shirt on, you're scaring the grandkids"
"you have a great chest but humorous people all have little
dicks.... and man are you funny!"
"oh my... are you going to eat
that?"
"Hey, it is my new life's ambition
to get my freakin pages on the
page of the week, but alas I guess
i am not witty enough, fuck all I
am is a wet pussy and big breasts
to you, arent I?"
"What the hell could possibly
possess a man to even consider
"snapping into a SlimJim"?"
"Why do they call the end of the
female cycle a period? I
understand the whole resolution
deal but why not call it an
exclamation point or question
mark? I know many more women that
end in rage and confusion rather
than just plain resolution. Hey
that rhymed."
"Above all, get over yourself."
"YOU'VE FINALLY HIT 100 DAYS, IF I
WERE THERE I'D BAKE YOU A CUPCAKE,
AND YOU COULD USE MY PANTIES AS A
NAPKIN."
Halcyon, I wanted to write and
tell your readers about an amazing
discovery. Not only can I lick my
own breasts, but yesterday after
months of exercise, I succesfully
went down on myself. It is
possible!! Good luck to the rest
of you."
Hey baby, if I pleasure you
orally.. {BJ} will you do my
taxes? puhleeze!!!
|
Copyright © 1998 Prehensile Tales.